people who are afraid to die

 

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People Who Are Afraid to Die

When you’re afraid to die the moon never rises and the rivers run dry. The mail comes late and your subscription to Playboy has slugs for centerfolds. Your rosary beads become covered in green slime that comes off on your fingers. One way to spot devout Catholics who are afraid to die is by the green slime on their fingers.

When you’re afraid to die your skin changes color. If you’re white you turn black and if you’re black you turn brown. No one turns red or yellow, that’s the thinking of people who can’t stand being in their own skin and are afraid to die. They slip on a banana peel and that’s that. In their will it’s written that anyone who says they died will be automatically excluded from the will. But when anyone in their will refuses to admit they’re dead, they’re declared insane and incarcerated.

Court battles take place over the contested wills of people who are afraid to die, and a lot of people wind up in prison. Some of them can’t handle prison and hang themselves with a belt from the pipes that run along the wall up near the ceiling, but others who can’t handle prison are also afraid to die and so can’t hang themselves; they go insane in a matter of months.

People who are afraid to die cause people who are not afraid grief. A recent study shows that 23% of all people who commit suicide do so because of people who are afraid to die. People who are afraid to die never commit suicide themselves of course and often live to a ripe old age.

3% of people who are afraid to die die by slipping on a banana peel, and 100% of all people who die by slipping on a banana peel are people who are afraid to die. Do the math – someone is out to get the people who are afraid to die, probably people who’ve been excluded from their will. But it may also be a conspiracy of banana plantation owners.

People who are afraid to die bring more misery into the world than famine and war combined, but this could be changed and even global warming could be halted if we could find a way to detect and eliminate people who are afraid to die before they’re old enough and clever enough to hide their fear. It would mean killing off 40% of all the children in the world before the age of ten, a small price to pay to save the planet.

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