how to get by in life

How to Get By in Life

When you don’t know which way to turn, force the issue.

When you suddenly sense you’re absolutely wrong, slam your fist down on the table and say, “End of discussion!”

When your wife vehemently denies having an affair, say “Yeah, sure.” Or if you really want to put the pressure on, “Yeah sure, right, uh-huh.”

If the police come for you because of something naughty you did, lie on the floor with your arms and legs straight up in the air as if rigor mortis has set in, and while they’re back down in the patrol car calling it in to the morgue, spring to your feet and hightail it out of there.

When you are in the throes of a nightmare, tell yourself to wake up. When you do and you’re still in the nightmare, dial 9-1-1. Explain calmly what your situation is and don’t forget to give your address.

When everything else fails, crouch in a corner with your eyes screwed shut and your hands clamped over your ears. It’s irrelevant whether you’re fully dressed or naked.

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