THE ORIGIN OF WORDS
Although no one knows the origin of the word, the dildo has been around since the 1500s. It has something to do with knights in shining armor and crusading kings absent from the castle for years on end.
There is a direct link between the dildo and the chastity belt, sometimes known as the jaws of death. Which may or may not be linked to the Jaws of Life, brawn machinery that can bite into a mangled automobile and extract a fair damsel who was driving with her boyfriend’s head buried between her thighs when the accident occurred, right through the red light with glazed eyes.
And then the condom came along, another word with obscure origins, dating back to the 1700s. Something began to fade with the coming of the condom–a saber in a scabbard has no romance; it’s the sound of it being drawn that brings it to life and makes the maiden sigh, the sun glinting off its tempered steel.
A giant step into the future, and we arrive at the pill.
Safe sex, random sex, barrier-breaking sex. Along comes a spider and sits down beside her. “How about me?” says the spider, wanting in on the action. He wraps all eight legs around her, which makes her tingle all over, like this is what she’s been waiting for ever since men began dragging her into caves by the hair. The spider whips out a dildo and goes to work.
“Bill mustn’t know,” she moans, and flings her chastity belt across the room.
The spider doesn’t reply. This is new for him too. He’s worried about getting his head bitten off at the moment of climax. He starts spinning web, a geometry of love. Wait until the Pope in Rome finds out. Edicts will rain down on the faithful like hail stones.
Syphilis and AIDS, sheep and monkeys, what new scourge lies just over the promiscuous horizon? The damsel doesn’t care. She’s been swept away.
Bill comes homes from his business trip. “Take me,” she says, her blood crazy with spider lust.
Bill draws his saber and thrusts.