Category Archives: shards

ancestry

Ancestry

You can subscribe to a search engine that traces your family tree to the threshold of history. An in-law had been doing this with some success, until he tried probing into my mother’s side of the family. Two generations back and he hit a stone wall.

I remember a childhood on the sand lots of Long Island, unpaved roads, an impoverished cluster of homes built by the people who lived in them, more German and Italian floating thru the hot summer nights than English, deep poverty in money terms, but at my German grandfather’s house there was a garden yielding corn, potatoes, carrots and cabbage, and a large patch of ground fenced in with chicken wire holding a good thirty laying hens, two roosters and a ferocious Tom turkey; there were fruit trees laden with plums, pears and peaches.

At the Sunday gatherings the house was packed with aunts, uncles and cousins, the women clustered in the ill-lit living room, the children running wild thru the house and thru the back woods, and the men around a wooden beer keg on the drainboard in the kitchen. Aunt May was the only woman who dared intrude into the men’s world, pulling up a chair next to the wood-burning stove, her varicose veins bulging thru her brown stockings rolled just below her knees. “Give me a beer,” she’s say, and the men –big and raw-boned with faces weathered from a lifetime of hard labor–rushed to oblige. Aunt May would draw deep from the beer and wipe the foam from her old-woman’s mustache. “Listen,” she’d hiss. “Listen…”

The children sat spellbound at her feet and the men grew quiet as Aunt May, in a raspy, hypnotic voice, began her tale.

These were emigrants with an unwritten past, people who reported to no one and birthed their children in the beds they were conceived in.

It fills me with pride that the digital world cannot penetrate my past, and that the spirit of my ancestors lives on in my blood.

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and baby makes three

And Baby Makes Three

There’s a plot afoot against childhood deformity. Its intentions are to blot out unpleasantness, arch enemy of the cushy life. It’s been building incrementally for some time, and it’s well disguised as something else.

For example, right in this 88 Chevy Caprice, the back windows roll down only halfway, ostensibly to keep small children from toppling out while roaring down the freeway doing 80. But truth is, the idea is to keep the children from climbing out or being yanked out if the car is on fire and the doors are stuck. If they climb out, they might live, burn-scarred and hideous, wandering the halls of our public schools.

And then there are the air bags. A head-on collision can cause as much disfiguration in a child as a fire, so out pop the air bags and smother them.

Of course disfigurement in death is also unpleasant, which is why we have closed-casket funerals, which is a thing of beauty as well as an economic enhancer: a closed $10,000 coffin in a sea of red roses, organ music wafting softly through the dimly lit funeral parlor, which–doing its part to stamp out unpleasant terminology–is now more often called a Tribute Center.

The helmet law for kids riding bikes is more subtle. It’s not brain injury that’s of primary concern but hair loss due to scalp damage that might result in hair growing back in patches, an unpleasant thing to behold down the line, in–for instance–someone flipping your burger at McDonald’s or trying to sell you a house in the trouble-free suburbs.

Simply sharing this information with you gives rise to unpleasantness, and I apologize. But there’s a bright star on the horizon–Disney has come to the rescue with a win-win solution. Using its reputation for blotting out unpleasantness wherever it shows its disfigured face, and employing a small army of lobbyists, Disney has come up with a plan that once it’s made law will require every child who fits the new law’s description of deformity to wear one of numerous full-body Disney suits,depending on the child’s temperament and sex and the nature of the deformity. These include Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, April Duck, Pluto, Baby Red Bird, Bambi, Big Al, Big Mamma, Doofus Drake, Goofy, Cinderella and any of the Seven Dwarfs. Once the new law goes into effect, air bags, helmets and back-seat windows that open only halfway will become a thing of the past.

In time disfigured children encased in full-body Disney suits will outnumber normal children. They will bond with their character, and Disney Suit stores will spring up to accommodate the children with larger suits as they grow into adulthood. Eventually, not wanting their children to be ostracized, parents of normal children will encase them in Disney suits.

This is the wave of the future. The day will come when every country we conquer will be occupied by an army of Mickey Mouses, and the world will finally see the futility of resisting our domination.

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america comes out singing

America Comes Out Singing

Humongous decapitations. Horrendous dilapidations. Delirious procrastinations. Protracted ejaculations.

A nicotine delivery device. The crushed grape deliverance. The vice squad on the take. The broken levy, the sub-standard mortar. The all-night talk show. The loud voices of the get-ahead people–chest thumpers. Wonder Bread that kills you dead. Crushed people in a Raid box. No way out. Bugged brain waves. Secrets are treason.

The packaged deal. Media reality. Soap on TV, on the prison’s shower-room floor. Who do you love? The anal retentive. The anal inventive. The annulled marriage and the teenage bride. The population explosion. The World-Wide Child Sex Ring–cajoled, condoned, embraced. The Oil War.

The clit ring, the earring, the marriage ring. Ring around poor Rosy on a dark Brooklyn lot. Ring around the bathtub. Ring of fire. The Ringo Kid, famous for an eye blink, infamous forever.

Silicone tits, Saran wrapped cancer. Dental hygiene and slaughtered seals. Cell phones, dildos and dulcimers. Wonder drugs and banned drugs in a shake-and-bake brown paper bag. A church on the corner, a picket fence in your dreams. Bars full of mayhem and Monday-night football. A volunteer army. A video game war. Consumer and product, ante up. Eggbeaters, wife beaters, wife swappers, ostriches with their heads in warm desert sand. Blackouts, blowouts, strike outs and gout. A touch of the clap, the top-ten charts. Obesity on the rampage. Engineered genes. Tight jeans. Gene Autry and his trick horse. Rottweilers on the prowl, pit bulls in hiding. Cowboys and lassos and bondage. Slash-and-burn landscape, sacred rivers aflame, the Great White Father in Washington.

We’re all on the bus. Grind it into gear, hit and run to the climax.

When it’s finally over, everyone will be left behind.

Further.

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a weekend in canada (a few short years ago)

A Weekend in Canada (a few short years ago)

Four days, actually, walking thru rain forests and eating salmon.

Crossing back into the States, the woman at the checkpoint wanted a passport or a birth certificate. She was visibly unhappy that we had neither and she had to settle for our driver’s licenses. Then she spotted the potted bamboo shoot on the floorboard.

She slapped an orange sticker on our windshield and directed us to drive to an area where three uniformed men with pistols on their hips instructed us to cut the engine and step out of the car. They escorted us into a long building with no windows.

Inside, behind bullet-proof glass, were five men wearing black ties and white shirts with American-flag patches on the left sleeve. The men stared at us.

On the other side of the room was a chrome-topped counter, and behind it stood a man and a woman, both in uniform.

The woman motioned to us. “Over here,” she said.

We walked over to the counter and surrendered our potted bamboo shoot.

Then a guard came in from outside. “They don’t have paperwork,” he said, and handed the woman the orange slip from our windshield.

She read it, frowning, and then showed it to her partner. He shook his head. “What was your purpose in attempting to bring this plant into the United States?” he said.

“It’s a gift,” said Sandy.

“You can’t bring this into the United States,” said the woman. “You can’t bring any living vegetative matter into the United States without a permit.” She walked away with the bamboo shoot.

A few minutes later she returned with the pot, empty of bamboo and soil. She handed the pot to Sandy.

“Return to your car,” said the man.

Outside a guard was walking around our car with a scan wand plugged into a box-like device strapped on his back. Unable to find anything out of the ordinary, he directed us to get in the car.

Once we were in the car, he gave us very specific directions.

“Drive to the stop sign,” he said, pointing straight ahead. “Then stop. Then make a left. Stop at the next stop sign. Make another left. Welcome to the United States.”

We drove away, and two left turns later we were home.

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a girl named cheating

A Girl Named Cheating

The bear went over the mountain, and what do you think he saw? A landscape of burning bushes between him and the next mountain.

The bear’s name was Syphilis. He got it from a Greek. Once you wander into the flaming wilderness in quest of vision, nationalities fall away and you’re fair game for anything. It beats cheating.

 

***

I once knew a girl named Cheating. She’d eat Greeks by the truckload and whoever else wandered in. She had a shack with a red porch light on the edge of base camp and a sixth sense that told her these boys on their way up the mountain longed for one last taste of what they were about to leave behind. There’s a fortune to be made on the dark side of virtue.

Cheating worked the trade for years, and then she packed up and went back to the city, following advice Mose Allison had given her years earlier when he blew into base camp to play a gig for the climbers. “If you’re goin’ to the city,” Mose sang, “you better bring some cash. Because the people in the city, don’t mess around with trash.” Well, she’d left the city broke and now she was returning with her pockets lined with gold. Cheating bought a nice place on Russian Hill and fed the parrots that filled the San Francisco sky like green bats. People called her Madam.

Night after night Cheating’s lawn filled with candle-holding climbers. And then one night the front door opened, and there she stood with her black bear on a leash. The crowd began to chant, softly at first, but building: “Cheating, Cheating, Cheating, Cheating!”

Cheating waited until the chant reached fever pitch, and then she yanked her bear inside and slammed the door behind her.

This is an aspect of mountain climbing very few are aware of.

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a shy prayer to a god of dubious distinction

A Shy Prayer to a God of Dubious Distinction

Shy as a Panda Bear at a strip club. A dyslexic at a spelling bee. A rumination in a tub of exactitude. A dilemma in a four-star solution. A small bird in a vulture’s nest. A white lie on judgment day.

See-saws and buzz saws, motor-mouth declarations, the wild urge to break free. Settle down, settle in, settle up and away again. Like a comic strip.

If they don’t make sense to you and you don’t make sense to them, why is it you’re the one who is crazy? They didn’t break me at seven, what makes them think they can break me now? Watch their faces drop when I disappear from the holding tank.

Okay, those of you still reading, chances are you’re illegal. Here’s what needs doing: don’t rearrange the alphabet, trash it with your walking stick. Then down to business.

For every thorn there’s a rose, for every sweet dream a nightmare. For every breath drawn a deep silence. Come over here, put your ear to this sea conch. How about it, isn’t that the sound of the womb?

Scrap Timothy Leary, he was a drunk and an acid head.

Steer clear of Freud and his cocaine conclusions.

Follow that small child down the Safeway aisle, mismatched socks and laughing her way past the Wheaties.

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