Category Archives: shards

invisible to the naked eye

INVISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE

He scared himself more than anyone else. Not more than he scared anyone else, more than anyone else scared him. And it made him seem odd to others. People were forever telling him he didn’t make sense. Then they’d pick out an example of someone who did, and they’d say: “He makes perfect sense.” It could have been a she as well as a he; it wasn’t a gender thing.

He wasn’t sure what sense meant. The people who were held up as examples of perfect sense inevitably had a bland smile on their faces. They were fully insured and were working hard toward retirement. They voted and sent their children to college. They celebrated birthdays and decorated their homes with strings of blinking lights at Christmas. They watched the evening news every night to keep abreast of things.

He puzzled over the mystery of sense. He looked around. He saw flag poles with two or three and sometimes more flags hanging from them. Flags of the nation, flags of the state, POW flags, corporate flags, all in descending order. He saw people taking pictures of themselves with cell phones held at arm’s length and emailing them to loved ones who printed them out and stared at them. He saw six-lane ribbons of freeway teeming with traffic surrounding and burrowing through cities. The people in the vehicles on the ribbons of freeway were either talking into their cell phones or taking pictures with them or tuned to the news on the car radio. Some of them were surreptitiously snorting cocaine up their noses or toking on a joint, popping pharmaceuticals or buzzed on after-work cocktails. A few smoked cigarettes, but if their windows were rolled down and traffic was ground to a halt (as it often was), they received sour looks and sometimes snide comments from the passengers of other vehicles.

He finally concluded that sensible meant fitting into all this. He got a cell phone and a computer and tried to take a picture to send to himself. But he couldn’t figure it out. He went to see his cell-phone salesman and the man shook his head in disbelief.

“What’s wrong with you?” said the salesman. “Of course you can’t take a picture with this cell phone. You can’t even play games on it. This is an obsolete cell phone.”

He left the store, embarrassed. He stood on the corner of a busy intersection and watched the flags flapping on the courthouse flagpole. He thought about turning himself in.

At home, he pushed various keys on his cell phone, looking for games. But the salesman knew what he was talking about, there were no games on there. He turned on his computer and a window with his picture on it came up. How did his picture get on there? Did someone take his picture with a cell phone when he wasn’t looking and email it to him? Under the picture was a box asking for a password. He tried for over an hour to figure out what the password was, but he wasn’t a cryptologist. He gave up and went out to sit on the front porch.

In the fading light, tiny birds were swooping and soaring, feeding on insects invisible to the naked eye.

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i had a dream

I HAD A DREAM

I had a dream last night. It bore no resemblance to Martin Luther King’s dream, which was about people walking together in peace and harmony. People of all colors, political persuasions and income brackets. Linda Lovelace arm-in-arm with Bill Gates and Donald Rumsfeld. Blind Lemon Jefferson holding hands with Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles, sensing each other’s blackness through the pulse in their fingertips, humming Ebony and Ivory in three-part harmony. A run-of-the-mill clansman in the company of the corpse of a lynched shoeshine boy from Chattanooga, mumbling let bygones be bygones. Sixteen street people with open sores on their skin coming out from under a bridge to wave at the passing traffic. Librarians and bounty hunters and Belgian missionaries breaking bread together on some prearranged neutral turf. And where would that be, the neutral turf of brotherhood where no one goes hungry and no one gets raped and nary a shot is fired? In your dreams, that’s where.

My dream was a dream of forgetting. A dream of dwindling. A dream of melting away. A dream spinning out of a different reality from Martin Luther King’s, based on a quick look around at an early age. Like the ground hog surfacing into a world of tornadoes and tidal waves –a quick look around, and down he goes again.

Living under the surface of a world pounded by tornadoes and tidal waves and false promises, the problem becomes one of breathing. Hollow reeds need to be cautiously pushed up through the soil in out-of-the-way places. Obscure charades are called for. A little soft-shoe of the psyche. Sleight-of-hand is required to be here and not here simultaneously.

My dream last night was a prophecy, a pronouncement, a farewell–about myself and to myself. The illusion of connection has gone into meltdown. My mind is weary of its grotesque status-quo and is melting back into my soul, tugging at my body to tag along.

It occurs to me that perhaps I have no soul. That the “I” that observes and dreams all this is the soul of the universe, the Great Fly Fisherman in the sky, whipping his line off the water and snapping it in ripples through the air toward a far bend in the river.

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i need to shed this battered body so my spirit can soar free

I need to shed this battered body so my spirit can soar free

A chance encounter with a young woman where the space between us vanished on contact. It happened yesterday at the garage sale. She was lingering over my typewriter and I walked over to be of assistance.

“I love typewriters,” she said. “I love the pressure of the keys and the sound the letters make hitting the platen. I love how it feels to throw the carriage.”

She left me speechless.

My brother’s wife came off the porch and declared: “You remind him of his granddaughter!”

“I already have a grandfather,” the girl said, knowing that what my brother’s wife had said wasn’t true.

A thin girl in her early 20s with soft intelligent eyes and a slight blemish on her cheek. A biology major at the university who’d been rebellious in high school and started reading on her own after she graduated. She doesn’t just love books, she loves good books, the same way she loves typewriters. I sold her mine for a dollar and carried it to her car

We stood talking for a long time, and before she drove off I gave her two of my novels and my email address. “Let me know what you think,” I said, and she touched my arm, got in her car, and drove off.

When I turned, everyone on the porch was staring at me.

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i am the walrus

I Am the Walrus

I am the walrus. You can be whatever you choose. A penguin, perhaps. Together we can learn to tap dance and join the Freaks & Oddities Show working its way north from Pensacola. We don’t have to have sex. We can keep it platonic. Read the same book by candlelight lying side by side sipping red wine in our trailer. Let people talk.

I know I’m much older, but what’s age to a penguin and a walrus? We know what’s passed between us.

Years from now, after the novelty’s worn off, we can adopt. If we’re rejected, we can kidnap something–a partridge, a pheasant, a cockatoo.

Birds of a feather, we’ll stick together until the end.

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daniel and the black fisherman

DANIEL AND THE BLACK FISHERMAN

Daniel was not black and he did not drown. He was pulled out of the swimming hole by a fisherman and revived with mouth-to-mouth. The fisherman was black.

Sheriff Factor arrived while the black fisherman was giving Daniel mouth-to-mouth. He clubbed the black fisherman unconscious just as Daniel gasped his first breath. Then the sheriff claimed that he was the one who pulled Daniel from the water and gave him mouth-to-mouth while the black fisherman stood idly by doing nothing. Charges were brought against the black fisherman, but because of Daniel’s protests, they were dropped.

The sheriff’s wife did not stick around after all the hullabaloo. She divorced Sheriff Factor and got the house and most of their assets.

Sheriff Factor turned in his badge and went to Barbados, where he developed a drug habit and died of an overdose. He was HIV positive at the time of his death, so it’s just as well. He was buried in a grave with a simple headstone with “Big Daddy” chiseled into it. The grave was paid for by an island woman who had fallen in love with him.

Daniel and the black fisherman became close friends. They built a raft and sailed down the Mississippi. They felt like they were making history but they were only repeating it.

Helen Flanagan, the town librarian, wrote a story about it all and sent it to the Christian Science Monitor. It was rejected. She expanded the story into a novel and called it The Book of Daniel. A mid-western university press published the novel and it sold like hot cakes. E.L. Doctorow sued the press for copyright infringement, but he was informed that titles are common domain. Doctorow should have known that.

The city council commissioned a bronze statue of Daniel and the black fisherman to be erected in the town square. They hired a publicist from New York and pretty soon the tourist trade picked up. A rash of novelty stores opened on Main Street, the hottest-selling item being a t-shirt with the likenesses of Daniel and the black fisherman stenciled on the front. For $5 a head a tour guide took people to the swimming hole and Sheriff Factor’s house. Mrs. Factor had sold the house and moved to Little Rock where she became active in the First Baptist Church. A local banjo player wrote The Ballad of Daniel and the Black Fisherman, and it climbed to #42 on the country charts.

Ms. Flanagan and the banjo player went on Oprah and told stories about Daniel and the black fisherman. Ms. Flanagan’s book got on the New-York-Times best seller list, and The Ballad of Daniel and the Black Fisherman crossed over into the pop charts and climbed to #10.

Ms. Flanagan and the banjo player ran away together to Barbados. One day they went to visit Sheriff Factor’s grave. Ms. Flanagan laid a signed copy of her book on the grave and the banjo player played his song on his banjo. They both got tears in their eyes. Soon after they went their separate ways.

Daniel and the black fisherman never spoke about the day at the swimming hole after they’d set off down the Mississippi on their raft. They worked the docks in New Orleans, and then they were beaten to death by Cajuns down in bayou country, their bodies dumped in a swamp.

Eventually the bronze statue turned green with age and became a nesting place for pigeons. The novelty stores closed, and the town returned to normal.

The new Sheriff’s name was Benjamin.

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herd animals

Herd Animals

Reflections after watching Werner Herzog’s Stroszek

 

People like me, it’s best they don’t lock us up. It’s best they let us roam, just don’t give us too much space. And don’t let us play in the game, but every now and then feign concern. Any token gesture will do.

I apologize if hearing this makes you anxious. It probably sounds like there are dangers lurking you can’t detect. How can you recognize people like me? And what would happen if you don’t make those token gestures? Will we infringe on your entitlement? Will the balance tip?

Don’t fret. You’ll do what you have to automatically. Just stick close together, especially when darkness falls. And keep an eye open for anything in your midst that has one toe too many and a look of longing. Such creatures can be nudged to the herd’s fringes over time.

Out there on the fringes, we form a spiritual Van Allen Belt. We absorb the impact of gamma rays and bolder-size meteorites, the paralyzing sting of absolute zero. We’re what allows you to dream. We don’t dream ourselves, we never sleep. We’re the sacrificial lambs you butcher on the Winter Solstice.

A small word of warning: If you panic and lock us down, we’ll melt your illusions into molten nightmare. You know this is true, even though you can never admit it. That too is factored into what you so proudly call your will to survive.

We’re the ones who hold the mirror that you gaze into. Glance to the edges and you’ll see the tips of our gnarled and blackened fingers.

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