Category Archives: shards

new year’s eve

New Year’s Eve

 

He stared at it for a long time, his cell phone, while sitting at his desk in the dark house. Then he threw it to the floor and stomped it to pieces.

This unleashed something in him. He grabbed hold of his computer, yanked it free of its connections, and smashed it to the floor too. He stomped in the screen and it flashed blue and white light. He kept stomping it until it lay quiet.

His wall-mounted TV was next, and then he toppled his entertainment console and his DVDs and CDs scattered across the living room rug.

He went back into his study and demolished his printer. Then he lost it completely and went for the toaster, the microwave, and the blender. He stood in the wrecked kitchen clenching and unclenching his fists. The cat sat on the counter top and watched him.

He took a flashlight out to the garage and began ripping open cardboard storage boxes until he found what he was looking for, his old dial telephone. He brought it into the house, plugged it into a wall jack, and got a dial tone. This seemed to calm him. He sat in his swivel chair and rocked back and forth, listening to the dial tone.

He retrieved his old address book from a bottom drawer in his desk. Using the flashlight, he thumbed thru the pages and began writing names and phone numbers on the back of an envelope.

He replaced the address book in the drawer, lit a cigarette, and began dialing. Three no-longer-in-service messages, and he hung up.

The cat came in from the kitchen, jumped up in his lap, and began to purr.

Outside on the street people were welcoming in the new year by setting off firecrackers, rattling noise makers, and yelling at the top of their lungs.

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now: a few steps beyond wall street

Now: a few steps beyond Wall Street

 

I’m prepared to spit out an admission, claim a small chunk of birth right, take the smile off the smiley face, point my over-worked finger, circumvent all the road blocks.

Don’t forgive them father because they know not what they do, and by them I mean all of us. Forgiveness isn’t at play here, comeuppance is. The brutal face of grim consequence. You don’t have to know what’s happening to you for it to be happening.

Deep truth can only be realized, never uttered. You don’t arm wrestle Goliath, you take him down with a slingshot.

When you use the tools of the Beast, you feed the Beast. We’re all guilty. Take that as fact, not judgment. Take it as a jumping off place.

Out-in-the-open protest creates name lists, not change; but it’s a prod to a sleeping awareness. Once you’ve rubbed the sleep from your eyes, practice invisible mayhem. All at once stop buying Corn Flakes, you and a few million other people. Next week make it cars. Then Budweiser and skate boards, TVs and computers. Feed the hungry with your own hand. Raise a barn or two. Don’t post it on Facebook.

What needs doing is so simple it hurts, and it’s unstoppable if it ever gets started. It will spread like contagion. We can wash the stain from our souls without outside intervention.

“If only we could get enough men to walk together,” Bukowski said in a poem sixty years ago,”but we won’t.”

“What’s needed is a change of heart,” Henry Miller said thirty years before that. “Otherwise things are apt to get worse.”

We no longer speak the tongue we were born with.

We speak the Beast’s language.

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not a contender

Not a Contender

 

I blew out the candle and stumbled on thru the dark. I whispered the pertinent questions–how long has this been going on? How long will it last?

I lay down on a bed of ice. I shook like a leaf and my teeth chattered, but I pretended that it didn’t matter. I reached out and something bit off my finger.

I pulled my knees up, rolled, and landed in the time-out box. I was in Quebec in a playoff hocky game, a bit nervous but no one seemed any the wiser. I’d have to fake it until the clock ran out.

It occurred to me I should take one more shot at true love. I pulled out my pistol and the arena emptied. I fought off an impulse to call home.

I’m maxed out in my wild attempts to communicate. I never could have been a contender, but persistence lingers long after hope dies.

Someone suggested I try perpetual motion and I sprang into action.

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mr. x

Mr. X

 

I’ve got this friend we’ll call Mr. X. who has what is blithely called “depression” by people attending cocktail parties. They use the word “depression” like people in robust health use “otherly abled” when talking about someone with no legs. They don’t make the connection between depression and playing Russian roulette; or carving your arms up with a razor; or worse yet, sitting over a cup of coffee from sunrise to sunset, unable to pick it up.

Mr. X has done all these things. But at other times he soars into ecstasy for no apparent reason. He’s not your run-of-the-mill depressive, he’s manic depressive, another cocktail-party catch phrase.

Periodically Mr. X has been told to pull himself up by his bootstraps, and if he happens to be in the manic phase of the depression cycle when this advice is given, he plummets like a stone. It’s the absurdity of the suggestion that brings him down, compounded by the thinly disguised anger that underlies it.

Mr. X has found various ways of dealing with his depression. Drugs and alcohol kept the wolves at bay for a lot of years. Intense physical exercise helped for quite a while, but therapy never did much good. Nothing was fool-proof against the sudden onslaught.

Writing has been the one thing that’s been a constant plus. He doesn’t get money or recognition, but now and then someone sends him a letter.

Recently a friend of his, another depressive and also a writer, committed suicide. He was only 46. He’d become well known, and they’d given him a MacArthur Genius Grant. People wonder why he did it, comitted suicide, but Mr. X thinks he knows — it’s because to win their accolades he didn’t write his pain, he wrote about it.

Such a concession amounts to self-betrayal.

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mel’s diner

Mel’s Diner

Out of boredom I leveled a blast at editors who reject poems if they use the ampersand for “and” and in the process I spelled ampersand ampersant, which information these editors delighted in sharing with me.

But, in my defense, there is such a word as ampersant, it’s a kind of knot, and knots are what I’m rapidly tying myself in here. But hey, watch this: presto! With one well-practiced gyration I slip all the knots and stroke for the surface of this water-filled tank in which I’ve been submerged and in which a rapt gathering of grammatically correct onlookers was hoping I’d drown.

***

And now, fanatasies by the wayside, here I sit, writing this in the blue-collar bustle of Mel’s Diner in Yakima after a visit to the V.A. medical facility, an annual ritual that began years ago when I first plugged into my V.A. benefits after my body started unravelling.

Mel’s is the kind of place my roots are sunk in – a dirt-poor childhood on Long Island sandlots, teen years in Cheyenne picking potatoes by day and setting pins in a bowling alleys at night, factory and construcution work in Connecticut after that, followed by three years in the army, and then tending bar in a string of honky-tonk bars in New Orleans and San Francisco. Here and there I made a stab at “higher education” until I threw in the towel on that pipe dream too and locked in on finishing my days as a window cleaner.

Mel’s is where I land after the agent-orange waiting room at the V.A., and since I’ve been sitting here I’ve been called hon 12 times by three different waitresses and my coffee cup hasn’t once gone empty. It’s a good place to chow down on pancakes and sausage after the prying and probing, a good place to say fuck cholesterol and ampersands, blood pressure, Dacron arteries and a fast-shrinking longevity. Mel’s is a good place to give the finger to a world turning robotic.

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manifesto for books to be written from the last stronghold of sanity

Manifesto for Books to be Written from the Last Stronghold of Sanity

 

It’s important that the books be written. It’s important that they be printed within a tight inner circle and distributed hand-to-hand, disconnected from the Internet.

We’ve entered the post-Orwellian era, prelude to the last breath of beauty.

It’s now or never that the true prophets must rise up.

Children of a distant star, light the sky.

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