Category Archives: shards

breaking free

Breaking Free

He grafted the hard drive of his computer to the personal hard drives of George Bush and a retired circus clown and then he axed his computer to smithereens.

He taped his smart phone under a seat in an Amtrak train and then hot-wired a car off the street and peeled rubber straight out of Seattle.

Before this sudden departure he nailed his SIM card to a bulletin board in the U District. Men in black showed up and took pictures which popped up on computer screens everywhere.

“Have you seen this man?” the caption under the SIM card read.

A modern-day Wanted poster.

He chopped his plastic into small pieces and melted them over a candle flame. Shaped the soft wax into miniature voodoo dolls. Broke out the pins.

Men in high places twitched and moaned.

So much for Homeland Security. So much for code-red alertness. So much for the world-wide fishnet.

They came down from their Ivory Tower and kicked in the door to the place where he’d lived. Went thru his papers, checked out his tax returns.

There was nothing to go on.

He’d been feeding false information to Facebook, and he Googled things that were meaningless.

His passport was bogus and his birth certificate belonged to a dead man.

His driver’s license was ten years expired and the car he was driving or at least drove away in was stolen.

The situation was grave, but how far could he get without tapping into the System? How long could he stay out in the cold?

Six months went by before it dawned on them that there must be more like him.

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bukowski meets shunryu suzuki or: why jim harrison should stick to writing essays on vintage wines

BUKOWSKI MEETS SHUNRYU SUZUKI or: WHY JIM HARRISON SHOULD STICK TO WRITING ESSAYS ON VINTAGE WINES

Nothing extra, admonishes Shunryu Suzuki.

A dull thing done with style is worth more than a bird in the bush, says Bukowski.

 

***

Someone laid these video tapes on me. A series of mini Bukowski interviews, ranging from one to three minutes in length. Over fifty of them, like a string of battered haiku. Sometimes Bukowski is drunk, other times he seems sober. Either way, he says the same old Bukowski stuff.

When just a child, Bukowski climbed into a ring so small there was no room left for anyone else. He commenced shadow boxing. Years later, someone turned on the camera, and the geek show began. This is your life, Charles Bukowski! In a geek show, the spectators are the geeks, a small detail often overlooked.

These interviews were done by a crew of young Belgians in the early 80s, after Bukowski had finally made it and moved into his consolation prize, his house on a hill in San Pedro. They were simple in format. The camera stays trained on Bukowski, a plaintive piano plays the same refrain over and over, and Bukowski starts in biting the heads off chickens. A good number of the interviews take place in Bukowski’s spacious back yard with a backdrop of chirping birds, and some take place on the couch in the living room of the big house, Bukowski dressed like a tourist in Bermuda shorts and a polyester shirt. On the couch with him are Linda, his wife-to-be, and someone else, possibly another woman. It’s hard to tell–the camera stays trained almost exclusively on Bukowski. Only once, when Bukowski turned on Linda, calling her a bitch, whore, cunt, telling her she was “out of there”, he was going to see his lawyer about it, who the fuck did she think she was, staying out every night until midnight, two in the morning, five in the morning–only then did the camera pan to Linda while she offered up a defense. It wasn’t like it seemed! She wasn’t doing the things Bukowski was insinuating! Somewhere in the middle of this protest, the viewer gets a glimpse of a leg, the leg of a third person. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe there wasn’t a third person, maybe it was just a leg, something left over from the woman before Linda.

Bukowski, thinking about what Linda must have been up to in the wee hours of the night while he drank wine and smoked cigarettes and hammered out poems on his typewriter, gets really pissed, leans back into the couch, hoists his massive legs into the air, and begins pummeling her with his feet.

“Uh-oh,” someone off camera says, and that was the end of that interview.

 

***

Nothing extra in a world of chaos. The truth shall set you free. Lights, camera, action!

“Truth sucks,” Bukowski says. “Fuck truth. Style is more important. How you do each and every little thing.”

“Well, that’s right,” says Suzuki. “Where were you when I was conducting all those dreary workshops for the well-heeled in Palo Alto? I had a cushion reserved for you. A black cushion to sit on and let your mind wander.”

“Fuck your cushion, Chinaman!” says Bukowski.

Suzuki smiles. Bukowski says this, he says that, and that’s that.

“How about a beer?” asks Suzuki.

“Why not?” says Bukowski.

Suzuki floats up off his cushion. Glides over to the refrigerator. Brings back two bottles of Japanese beer. He’s Japanese, not Chinese, but who cares? Not Suzuki, that’s for sure. He twists the caps off and places them neatly on the counter top. Settles back on his cushion, his robes floating in place around him. Holds out a beer to Bukowski who is sitting slouched in a big recliner.

Bukowski looks down at Suzuki through hooded eyes. Suzuki smiles a just-right smile. The way he fetched the beer, the way he’s holding this particular beer out to Bukowski, the smile on his face–it’s all just right. Bukowski knows just right. It’s a secret he and Suzuki share.

 

***

“Elizabeth Taylor is ugly, man!” a drunk Bukowski is saying into the camera. “I mean really ugly. Women aren’t beautiful. This is beautiful…”

The camera pans to where Bukowski gestures. Red and yellow tulips in a clear glass vase, centered on the white top of the lawn table.

 

***

“You’re okay,” Bukowski says, and takes the beer from Suzuki. They both take a hit and settle into smiling at each other. Time swirls around them like dust devils over parched earth.

 

***

The Belgians have Bukowski driving around in the back of a fire-engine red convertible. Through the old neighborhood in a tough part of L.A.

“Pimps and hookers,” Bukowski says. “Murderers and thieves. People with style.”

I remember visiting Bukowski for the first time back in the late 60s with some on-the-road crazies. We’d been up for three days drinking and eating Black Beauties by the handful. We’d just driven straight through from New Orleans. After a few hours sitting around Bukowski’s living room in his cottage on DeLongpre, we had to make a beer run. Bukowski tiptoed out the door, and he didn’t breathe easy until he was settled back on his ratty old couch.

“Six-foot poets,” he said as we were leaving at sunrise. “You guys are six-foot poets…”

 

***

Riding around in the convertible, they passed a motel.

“I stayed there once,” Bukowski said. “When Linda (another Linda) threw me out. We were having problems.
There was a pool back then–yes!”

The car glides past the motel and the camera catches a glimpse of the pool.

“There were two fat guys in the pool. I had to kick their asses…”

When was that? 72? 73? I was there. Sandra and I and Gentleman Jim and Minski and Minski’s wife Sal had flown down from San Francisco for the Party to End All Parties, as Linda (the first Linda) had labeled it. It went on for two or three days, depending on when you got there, and it got pretty strange. Toward the end, Sandra, Bukowski and I wound up in this motel room. It wasn’t what you might be thinking. We just crashed on the big bed and slept the sleep of the dead. The next morning I puked in the toilet bowl and Bukowski puked in the trash basket and then we cracked beers. I went out onto the landing. We were on the second floor, and down in the pool two fat guys were jumping off the diving board sending geysers of water high into the air. I started giving them shit.

“You want us to come up there and clean your clock?” one of them said.

Bukowski stayed in the doorway. “Don’t do it, Bushmills,” he said. “Don’t make them come up here…”

Bukowski embraced himself and shut out the world. What got through to the blue bird in his heart he reduced to shadow.

 

***

“No one to this day has been able to explain to my satisfaction how Bukowski took off like he did,” Carl Weissner, Bukowski’s German translator, said in an interview. Bukowski took off in Germany, and then he spread like wild fire. At one time he had two books on Brazil’s best-seller list simultaneously.

 

***

Bukowski and Suzuki, drinking beer and nodding from time to time.

It’s better to walk alone than walk with fools, said the Buddha.

What’s love got to do with it? said Tina Turner.

What goes around, come around, don’t you see, said Henry Miller.

If it feels good, do it.

If it feels good, you’re already doing it.

Clever men and grocers, they weigh everything —Zorba.

The scales of justice. The blindfold stands for — what? Impartiality? Kinky sex?

Bukowski came and went and didn’t look back.

Suzuki winks and follows suit.

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boing! boing! boing!

BOING! BOING! BOING!

Don’t be a grouch. Don’t slouch. Park yourself on the couch. Sit on your hands and bounce. The springs go onomatopoeic — boing, boing, boing. Sing it out –Boing! Boing! Boing!

The Zen master comes off the rug like a tidal wave and boxes your ears. “Ah, Grasshopper!” he says. “You are such a piece of work!”

You contain a kernel that he’s trying to crack like a koan, like an Easter egg, like the Da Vince Code.

You are in the presence of the only man in the world who doesn’t think you’re insane, and he is in the presence of the only man in the world who doesn’t take him seriously. Together you are on the verge of a breakthru.

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blood of the lamb

Blood of the Lamb

Tigers chasing their tails in circles until they turn to butter.

Crows with above-average intelligence circling overhead.

I served my country, I killed the infidel.

Take a hard look at your culture, smeared like blood on glass under a microscope. Put down your crucifix. The greatest story ever told, tall tales in the rush reeds.

Heads up.

Incoming.

 

***

Transvestites in a Munich train station, clustered under the bright star of David.

Transportation at a standstill.

Shake the dice cup and out tumble high-rollers.

 

***

The whole show’s geared to rotation.

Cold coffee in a paper cup, the note you hoped would say more.

Mad women at sunrise, walking fast thru the jungle. Stopping for red lights, racing on thru the green.

Plug in your gismo, have a look what it’s come to.

 

***

White lightning.

Kentucky fried chicken.

Inquisitions, barbed atonement.

New testament soldiers with old-testament mindsets.

Struggles on a lotus leaf, sliding off like snails.

Christ is an Islamic prophet, no wonder the Tower of Babel exploded.
The dream ends before the alarm goes off, and you’re locked down in God’s slumber.

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book of blank pages

Book of Blank Pages

He wrote a “Comment” on a Comment and hit the return key. His Comment instantly appeared on over 6,00o computer screens around the world belonging to “Friends”.

In short order, forty-six Friends in locations from London to Brownsville wrote Comments on the Comment on the original Comment which was made about the results of a program quiz that determined which five film actors the originator of the “Thread” to which the Comments belonged most identified with. Mug shots of the actors appeared under the quiz results, in this instance, James Dean, Harry Dean Stanton, Marlon Brando, Robert Redford and James Cagney. The Comments were about how much the Friends agreed or disagreed with the quiz’s conclusion about the actors the Thread originator identified with. These Comments and the quiz itself constitute “Posts”.

It is possible to create a Post without outside prompting. Friends who choose this option say things like: “I am going to bed.” Or: “I am glad to be alive.” Or: “I had salmon and Greek salad for supper,” and sometimes, if their computer skills are advanced enough, attaching a picture of said supper.,

Mixed in with the Comments are a scattering of “liked this.” The “liked this” option is taken by Friends who want to be heard but do not want to say anything. All that is necessary is to click the “like” symbol, and the program automatically fills in your name and sends the “liked this” post to everyone involved in the Thread.

There is also an option called Notes. A Note tends to be more reflective and introspective than Comments and “liked this” entries. Some Notes are twenty or thirty sentences long. Notes are seldom read by anyone.

There is no “didn’t like this” option. Negative input is not encouraged.

More and more, this is how people spend their time trying to put meaning into their lives.

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apologizing angels

APOLOGIZING ANGELS

Scrolling through the phone numbers logged into my cell phone,I see that every one of them was put there for a reason, but the majority are now obsolete–disconnects, acquaintances that never blossomed into friends, services no longer needed, the occasional demise. I should delete all those numbers, but I shy away from the message the austere few remaining will deliver.

It occurs to me that recently any number of people might have been on the verge of deleting my number, and a few might actually have done so, expecting the worst. If they’d first consulted anyone who has known me for a good long time, they would have been told not to jump the gun. It’s become an embarrassment, all the peril I’ve skated through my whole life long.

Some wide-winged angel has me under her protection and is hurrying me along from one end of life to the other. “Come this way,” the angel says, guiding me through the back-stage chaos while on the far side of the curtain the audience applauds a more acceptable performer. “There’s been a mistake,” the angel says. “We’re terribly sorry,” she says, and opens the stage door onto a dark alley.

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